2: I’m afraid.

Who isn’t afraid of at least one thing, right? It could be just one thing that you are always afraid of or many little things that replace each other over time and you’re afraid of them one by one, or all at once. It could even change from one day to the next. Yesterday, I woke up brave and confident, today I woke up afraid and worried.

I mostly avoid telling anyone anything personal, barring my absolute close friends and my family. There are days when I want to write about something personal – a silly achievement, my favourite lipstick shade, a journal excerpt – and I wonder if it’s worth it. I am afraid that there’ll be a person who’ll take advantage of it if they find out and then I put up mental barricades to keep people out. I put people through so many rounds of assessment before I move aside a couple of barricades to let them in; however it’s too late in some instances, for they lose interest. And I lose the opportunity of making an acquaintance or a friend.

The list of fears goes on…

As of now, I do not have the courage to put them out for you to read and I hope you understand. I spent the day mulling over a couple fears and the longer I spent, the feebler they seemed. Some were old ones that visit like timely relatives and leave like they came, while some are pesky rodents that you thought you got rid of, but they were busy making holes elsewhere. There’s a new kind I discovered: the kind that blindsides you in the moment that it manifests. You never knew that you’d have that fear, till it actually happens and you’re terrified.

I woke up all fine and was punched square in the face a couple of hours later with the fear of amounting to nothing. I used to have a planner full of plans that I used to execute and now, I have no idea where my planner is and I mostly make mental plans that are not manifested in any way.

What’s worse is that I have so much time to do it all and I don’t know what stops me. The honest answer is that I stop myself by coming up with reasons and excuses for not doing something right then or not doing it at all.

As I was writing this, I took a break and came across the following video:

Matt is one of my favourite content creators on YouTube and he put this up yesterday, which is what I needed today to boost my thought process. Thank you, Matt, if you’re reading this.

He’s right about people being afraid of commitments. I am not afraid of the commitment failing, I am mostly afraid of never beginning to engage in it. I either throw myself completely into it or watch from the sidelines without ever participating. The latter is my strong suit.

I haven’t participated in my own plans for quite some time now. It’s time I started and hence this series. If I can get to Day 100 of posting¬†What’s On My Mind?¬†every day, I’ll count it as a success, or as a marker of seriousness. I hope to lose the fear of amounting to nothing, sooner or later.


Series : What's On My Mind?

DreamingAtMyDesk View All →

Reader. Learner. Dreamer.
I am all about the little things in life!

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