I feel it rising up like bile in my throat. I used to think it was just an expression in poetry and prose. It’s real though. Anger can manifest physically, as if our body wants to empty itself of that emotion.
Anger can be destructive, based on popular belief and personal experience. It can take away everything you have built by carefully balancing emotions. We make sure that there aren’t too many negative feelings or too less positive feelings in most of our encounters. We are afraid of having too much and too little at the same time. We seek this Utopian balance and lose ourselves in finding it.
There are days when I am a ray of light because I feel it beaming from within and my humour is kind, not sarcastic and my smiles are generous, not calculated. Take the opposite days and I want to break something. It creeps up from my toes to the base of my head and I want to scream. If I screamed all the time, it wouldn’t be acceptable in the fragile world we live in. So I cry. Silently. Hysterically. Regularly.
I have lost the shame in crying, while still being aware of it’s physical damage. It drains me and I hate it. I break promises of never crying again and I fail over and over. Yet I continue making promises. I want to keep failing till I one day understand the magic of dissolving anger into thin air and not in my tears.
No one wants to watch you cry. No one wants to be okay with you crying. No one wants to know that you have cried. No matter how much they love you. Crying is associated with weakness. To this day, I have been unable to communicate to my loved ones that I cry out of anger. I can’t find the words to convince them and it’s okay. As long as I figure out how to stop the reflex of crying, no one is going to want to know why I do it. It’ll be over right, so why would you want to investigate clues you didn’t understand in the first place?
I call anger my old friend because I’ve been true to it. It has always felt authentic and it is unabashed in its expression. Over the years, I have found ways to calm it, extinguish it and keep it at bay. The funny thing is, I know how to put out the fire, it just takes too long to turn on the hose. Not funny? What that means is, I know how to dissolve anger and when I am in the centre of it, it consumes me before I can recall my methods.
I’ll get there someday, and I am sure I am on my way. One of the steps along the way to peace or balance, pick any word because nothing fits, I have found that acknowledgement takes the largest chunk out of seething anger. The moment I am aware of it, I ask myself what I’ll lose and it dies a little, even in the moments I am failing.
Someday, I hope to tell the ones I love that I have won the war in my brain, against chemicals we call emotions. Until then, you’ll find me looking for ways to part with anger, my old friend.
Reader. Learner. Dreamer.
I am all about the little things in life!